


Black Hat Vs. the Volcano

by ugagradlady



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Biblically Accurate Angels, Monster Fights, neon villainous blackhatgelion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:08:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27325564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ugagradlady/pseuds/ugagradlady
Summary: Description: When three angels are accidentally released from their subterranean prison, they resume their long-lost mission of cleansing the world of sin. It’s up to Black Hat and his employees to…profiteer from and manipulate them!
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Black Hat Vs. the Volcano

Hunting tigers can be ripping fun!  
Like three blind mice, see the hunters run!  
-Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, “Hunting Tigers Out in Indiah”

GANDOM BERYAN, ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN, 31° 02° 20° N, 57° 39° 40° E, 9:27 AM

ANGELS ARE NOT WHAT MANY PEOPLE THINK THEY ARE; those smiling babies in white robes that you see on a greeting card look nothing like the real thing. No. They come in many forms, all like no being from our world below.  
Some can fry you alive if they move their wings away from their eyes.  
Some wield flaming weapons.  
Some have been singing songs of praise since before life on Earth began.  
In any case, a heavenly being that manifests in front of mortals does not elicit a response of “Oh, how precious!” The more likely response from the native life of Earth is something along the lines of, _“OH, SHIT! DON’T LET ME DIE LIKE THIS!”_  
You never forget the sight of an angel. And in one honey badger’s case, it would be the last thing he ever saw in the land of the living.  
Badgerboss’ tank rumbled through the backwaters of Persia. He’d started driving it in South Africa, and it had served him well since, leaving a continent-wide trail of blasted cities, plowed rainforests, and burning crop fields. Even the locusts had fallen to him. Yet for all the suffering he’d caused, the being that he answered to was a killer on a scale he could never hope to match.  
The tank was planned like a small city. In the center, Badgerboss sat, watching his peripherals and entering input into a computer screen. Claws fitted with special typing tools handled QWERTY with a speed that would make Mavis Beacon blush. He pressed the enter key with a nervous hiss of breath.  
_You have entered BlackHatChat-LOADING…_  
His control room filled with red light.“This is Black Hat. You’re early.”  
Badgerboss looked his boss in the eye. The honey badger saw a dark, cruel mockery of the human form, dressed in black and red, with a monocle, top hat, and coat designed to be just real enough to look sophisticated and just unreal enough to hint at the ravening beast not so deep inside. Jagged teal teeth protruded from the mouth, dripping glowing green saliva.  
“Yes, Lord Black Hat. I wanted to make sure I got here on time.”  
“I’m busy. I will allow no exception for your puerile whims.”  
Badgerboss’ fur stood on end. Humans had an easier time with Black Hat-not because of any preferential treatment on his part, but because they couldn’t hear the ultrasonic booms, throatsinging, snarls, and suppressed sadistic laughter whenever that _thing_ spoke.  
“Should I…call you back?”  
“No.” Black Hat picked up a metal board and began to sharpen his claws on it, bringing up sparks and an earsplitting screech. As Badgerboss winced, his boss’ eye gleamed with vicious amusement. For a fur-bristling, teeth-grinding minute, he waited.  
“Hm…almost done _(screech, shriek)_ **…now.** Speak.”  
“I finished setting up the drills, and I’m ready to begin extraction now now!”  
“Show me the camera feed.”  
Oil machinery stood tall against the bright, rippling desert landscape, like a a forest of silver trees growing out of impossibly fertile sand. Sunlight gave the site an inked look, pools of shadow sitting on the ground.  
“You set them up correctly, I take it…”  
Black Hat’s gaze flickered across the screen with unnatural speed. “…unlike that oil platform you set up. Do you remember how you stubbornly tried to keep it going, despite my orders, until Demencia had to pay you a visit? You must be clear now on the concept of sunk cost.”  
Badgerboss’ tail went between his legs.  
“Yeah, I know that offshore operation was a failure, and I’m sorry for that. But this will make up for it.”  
“Of course it will. This is a grand day for Black Hat Organization!”  
He seemed somewhat happy now, Anyone who worked with Black Hat knew he was prone to mood swings, often violent ones. But going from angry at someone to being pleased with them? This wasn’t something the honey badger had ever seen him do.  
“Yes!” he shouted giddily to his boss. “Who needs a damn ‘World Heritage Site’ when there’s petrol to be-“  
**“Eͭ͆̊N̐Õ͈̣̭̘̩̓͋̔̋ͧU̼̠͇ͅG̰̹͉͉̊͐͑̊̽H͈̓̀.** Begin.”  
_Something is very wrong._  
“Uh…okay, laanie. Entering phase 2…”  
Typing a command into his CPU, Badgerboss activated the wells. A resonant, mechanical rumbling began as machinery came to life: pumpjacks bobbed like meditating dinosaurs, cranes spun, towers siphoned.  
From the depths of the desert, a scream came. This wasn’t trapped air rushing out-it was definitely a voice. Other voices joined it.  
Suddenly, a wave of shrieking heat blazed out of the sand and rock-hotter than normal, even for the driest land on Earth. Badgerboss’ massive tank began to shudder. Massive cracks spidered across the landscape, the oil machinery tumbling down into them like children’s models.  
The tank’s cooling system fought valiantly for him, but a quick glance at his monitor showed it to be losing. His cameras were picking up the sinister shine of bright lava, spewing from the cracks and sweeping in all machinery that remained. Geological features too began to fall; in the distance, an entire yardang crumbled and dropped down into the upwelling.  
The tank was trapped on an island in a sea of lava, a newborn kipuka. It seemed that nothing could survive this, but yes, there was life built to last through all of it-a silvery choir began that, if a gospel singer were to record it, would have bought them the world. Through the ash that now darkened the sky, he saw _arms_ and _wings _flailing out of the holes.  
He turned to the screen, holding out his paws like a baby honey badger that’s angered its mother, and whimpered, “What the _fuck?"_  
“This is your last stand, Badgerboss. Impress me.” Black Hat’s image winked out as he logged off.  
The screams had stopped and the choir reigned. There were, above the song, above the ringing in the villain’s ears, booms of thunder. Three large objects were moving behind him on radar.  
As his tank turned to face them, the last image from the camera feed was a blinding white flash.__

**Author's Note:**

> I want to take time off from my other fics as I wrote myself into corners. This one should be fun, eldritch abominations beating the shit out of each other in the desert, who wouldn't love that?


End file.
